Today was going well for me. I was laughing, I was enjoying myself.
Then I had to think on attending rock fest. Now I’m sad and disturbed.
I have a history of being afraid of my mother. And no amount of therapy helps me break out of the feeling of being offensive and greatly trying towards my mother. It feels like I have no will to exercise over my own life experiences. And when my mother has raised me to feel that going against her wishes is essentially sinning against her, then it’s more tangible than a personal opinion that I indeed have no will over my life experiences.
I hate it. i hate having to feel like this. I hate complaining about it. And I hate that I can’t seem to solve my fear of my mother permanently. Sometimes, I give no fucks about what she wants of me. Other times, I can’t even breathe without thinking of everything she’d thin about my actions.